How To Get Over A Crush...

... And Not Ruin Your Life.

Hello. IT'S BEEN A WHILE, but I'm back and will then probably disappear for a long long time and then come back again and be married by then or something... but for now, I am back. As many of my loyal twitter followers know, I have a crush. It's not like any of my usual crushes because it's lasted longer than 3 months and he isn't a celebrity and, surprisingly, I haven't cried over him yet. So, I know what you're thinking:

"Sigh, if you haven't cried over him, how serious can it be? Gah. Get a grip, woman"

Cries.

Stop being mean. You see, I'd like to tell myself that this crush is just a phase, just a little feeling that will die, but it's not. I really fucking (hehe, fucking can also mean sexual intercourse) like this guy, I've liked him for nearly a year now, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. He's not even particularly handsome. He's not even available, I need to stop liking this damn guy. Now, liking this damn guy would be easy if we weren't such good friends. Yes. I made a mistake. I developed a crush on a friend. That's like the number one thing you do not do if you intend on having male friends. I know. I'm terrible. I should just remove my vagina and give it to someone who really deserves it, because I am a terrible excuse for a female. I apologize for my stupid ways. But I like my guy friend. We're good friends, I wouldn't say we're close*? I don't know if we are? I know a lot about him and he knows a lot about me and it's all hunky dory. No. It's not. I can't cope with being his friend when what I really want to do is fuck his brains out.

There. I said it.

As you can see, I have it bad.

So, I need to get over him. BUT HOW WILL I DO IT? HOW CAN I DO IT? Is it even possible? I've liked this fucker for a year now, is there any hope for me to move and not want to fuck him anymore? (No, but let's pretend there is). YES. OF course there's hope. Which, after this long introduction leads me to the title of this post:

How To Get Over A Crush... And Not Ruin Your Life.

1. Don't dream about him. Or her, depending on what type of genitals you like. Don't dream about them. That includes day-dreaming and night time dreaming. DON'T DO IT. "It's not like I can control my dreams", oh don't give me that. Do you want to end up like me? LONGING FOR SOMEONE YOU CANNOT HAVE? No, no you don't. So don't do as I did, Don't dream about said crush. Dream about something else. Dream about your dog, your teacher, your cousin, dream about anything but your crush. JUST DON'T SLEEP.
2. Don't Spend Lunch with them. I know. It's hard. Its difficult. They're so irresistible. And funny, and they make you feel like... like... something good. They're great. You want to spend lunch with them. BUT PLEASE DON'T. Don't spend any time with them, unless you both get on a bus and then somehow end up having to sit next to you. Unless that happens, avoid them. Note: Avoiding them won't work if you're as bad as I am, it'll just make you want to fuck their brains out even more. Don't let it get to my stage. Please.
3. Stop acting like they're amazing. Truth is. They're NOT. Ask yourself, why do your friends not seem to understand why you like this fucker? Because they aint all that. You're blinded by lust. Which is essentially what most crushes are until you end up like me and they turn into something very painful. Lust is lust. It's no big deal, it can easily be gotten over... once you become disillusioned with said person. Remember, your crush isn't that amazing. They probably grind their teeth while sleeping. How irritating is that?
4. List all the things you HATE about them. There must be something you hate about your crush. Surely you don't think they're perfect. If you do, then seriously dude, I can't help you. You don't even have a crush anymore, that's like love, your life is ruined. Why are you even here? However, if you can think of things you hate. GOOD. There's still hope. Write a list. The list doesn't have to be long, it can be one really bad thing like: "He still thinks Pluto is a planet", because we all know, bad general knowledge is sooo not hot.
5. Are they husband/wifey material. Well? Are they? No. Good. Now go crush on someone who is.
6. Do you even have a chance with them? Let's be realistic here, if you're reading this, you're probably a loser and are most likely very pathetic. So, you probably don't have a chance with your crush, go for someone that's actually in your league.
7. Just tell them? This is an important one. People like me will never be in a relationship because we admit our feelings to everyone BUT the person we like. Remember, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE ME. If I say I would do something, DO THE OPPOSITE. If I say I wouldn't do something. DO IT. I wouldn't tell them. (That means you should tell them)

And that is how you get over a crush and not ruin your life. Results may vary, and by some stroke of bad luck, these steps may just do the complete opposite of what they're intended to do, and ruin your life.

I cannot be held liable for your life decisions.

OH LOOK.

It's that time again.

It's time for you to comment and share.

Thanks for reading!

PS: I really cannot be held liable for your life decisions. 

*How does one know when one is close friends with another fellow human?